What NOT to say to a suicidal person . . .

Perhaps a friend or loved one has just told you about a desire to die, or perhaps you suspect that they are having trouble with suicidal thoughts because of other warning signs that you’ve seen.  Rather than shrink away from the challenge, your instinct is probably to want to help in some way, right?  Knowing what to say is important, and we’ve talked about how to help someone with suicidal thoughts in another post but knowing what NOT to say is extremely important as well.

Here are 10 common statements that may tend to make things worse instead of better as you try to intervene with someone considering suicide:

  1. “Surely your life is not that bad.” You may not believe this person has such a bad life, but their perception, not yours, is their reality.  It’s not always about the things we see taking place on the outside, but the intractable inward pain that people deal with that will drive them to consider suicide as an option.  Telling them “it’s not that bad” shows a lack of empathy and understanding, and worse, may convey a sense of disbelief and judgment.
  2. “How could you think of hurting me like that?” Suicidal thinking comes from a short-circuit of the normal thinking processes.  In other words, a person considering suicide does not think he or she is going to hurt others; rather, the thought is that his or her suicide will actually make things better for the people left behind.
  3. “Why would you be so selfish?” When one is in pain, it is a natural response to want to find a way to escape that pain.  Asking this question only changes the conversation to make it about you – and a suicidal person needs for you to listen and make it about them.
  4. “Suicide is such a cowardly act!” That statement would certainly inspire shame in the person considering suicide.  Overcoming the fear of death actually doesn’t seem cowardly at all.  That doesn’t make completing the act something we should endorse, but it does mean that we should pause before making such a statement.
  5. “You don’t mean it; you don’t really want to die.” Dismissing the feelings of a suicidal person may only increase the intentions that have been expressed.  Every person should be taken seriously.  If he or she doesn’t really want to die, you can find that out in the course of conversation with them.  Even then, they likely still need help.
  6. You have so much to live for.” Saying this means you have not yet listened to the person who is having suicidal thoughts, and you have conveyed a lack of understanding about how he or she perceives the situation.  This may be an appropriate comment later in a suicide intervention conversation but should not be one of the first things you would say.
  7. “Come on, things could be worse.” Perhaps they could, but saying that does nothing to inspire a sense of hope; in fact, it may reinforce the idea that escaping the pain now is better than waiting until things get worse.
  8. “Other people have problems worse than yours, and they don’t want to die.” People who are considering suicide have probably already given some thought to the way others seem to be more capable of handling their problems.  That awareness has simply caused them to view themselves as too weak, and in their self-condemnation they have determined that suicide may be the only option.
  9. “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” This is another statement that comes across as dismissive.  It could very well be that the problem that has brought your friend or loved one to this place of darkness is not something that will go away.  We should not say anything that would leave the impression that suicide is a solution at all.
  10. “If you commit suicide, you will go to hell.” Perhaps the person has already considered that possibility, especially if their religion teaches that suicide is unforgiveable.  Perhaps they do not believe in hell at all, or perhaps their religious belief leaves room for hope that forgiveness for the act is possible.  Either way, the wish to die still remains, and alienating the person with this statement may very well compromise your ability to help them when they need it most.

If you are struggling with thoughts of suicide, please reach out to us at m.me/callforbackup.org/.  If you are in crisis now and need immediate help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK, or text the keyword BADGE to 741741 to be connected to a trained crisis counselor.  Whether you are considering suicide, or trying to help someone who is considering suicide, it’s time to call for backup.

“I Know I Have PTSD!”

Oh, really?  I like hearing that from police officers about as much as police officers like to hear someone say, “I know my rights!” on a traffic stop.  And just like you may be tempted to ask, “And exactly which law school did you graduate from?”, I am likely to wonder where you obtained your medical or psychological degree.  The difference between your frustration and mine, though, is that your self-diagnosis could actually cost you your career, or your life.

The good news is that you are not as likely to have PTSD as you may think.  The bad news is that you may be suffering from a condition that is much more insidious and common than PTSD.  Want to hear more?

Even though I may use a big word or two, I don’t really want to be too “clinical” in this brief article, so let’s just get to the point – every police officer experiences and/or sees trauma regularly.  Every police officer, at some point, will experience post-traumatic stress.  At any given moment, though, only about 12-15% of those experiencing stress symptoms actually meet the criteria for a diagnosis of PTSD.  In other words, you are 7-8 times more likely NOT to have PTSD even when you are experiencing signs of post-traumatic stress.

There are plenty of signs to look for when it comes to symptoms of stress:

  • Cognitive: poor attention, poor concentration, poor memory
  • Emotional: fear, guilt, anger, anxiety, depression
  • Physical: aches and pains, fatigue, gastrointestinal issues
  • Behavioral: social withdrawal, strained relationships, disruptive behavior
  • Spiritual: questioning beliefs, anger at God, cessation of spiritual activities

This is certainly not an all-inclusive list, but most of these things are pretty common and quite often have a direct connection to the effects of stress, whether as a result of a particular trigger event or even as a result of the buildup of chronic stress.

If the symptoms you’re experiencing are not an indicator of PTSD, then what could they possibly be?  Simply put, a whole bunch of different things!  For example, if you’ve recently experienced some type of trigger event that became the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back,” you could have what is known as Acute Stress Disorder.  The bad news is that the symptoms can be very intense.  The good news is that they usually only last 2 to 4 weeks and then you are better.

The most likely culprit is what is called Stress Response Syndrome (it used to be called Adjustment Disorder).  This is a stress-related malady in which symptoms appear gradually as a result of chronic stress, or more suddenly a few weeks to a few months after some type of trigger event.  For this one, I’ll give you the bad news first . . . because there really isn’t much good news to give.  Chronic stress is linked to the six leading causes of death: heart disease, cancer, lung ailments, accidents, cirrhosis of the liver and suicide.

It’s the suicide link that concerns me, and should concern everyone in law enforcement.  Research shows that people suffering from stress response syndrome were 19 times more likely to complete suicide than individuals without that previous diagnosis.  For the past 5 years, an average of 14-18 active police officers each month have died by their own hand, and that can likely be attributed to the effects of chronic stress or some trigger event that has resulted in those officers suffering from stress response syndrome.

Call for Backup wants to encourage you to reach out if you are experiencing any of the stress-related symptoms mentioned in this article.  We can talk about it, and we can offer guidance to help you stay healthy throughout your career.  Just reach out to us by message on our Facebook page at m.me/callforbackup.org/.  And, of course, if you are in crisis right now and need immediate help, please call a trusted family member or friend to be with you, and then call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255, or text the keyword BADGE to 741741 to be connected with a trained crisis counselor.  It’s time to call for backup!

Three Stages of Burnout

Just like a car needs friction on the road in order to move, we all need some stress in our lives in order to be able to function.  However, just like a car that is poorly maintained and overdriven, we can suffer from stress overload and end up in trouble if we are not careful.  You probably have heard the term burnout, but you probably have not been taught what the three stages of burnout look like.  The more you know, the more likely you are to be able to avoid trouble in the future.

Similar to the way the “fight or flight” response works in an emergency, the first stage of burnout is stress arousal, which is when your body begins to fight against the stress overload.  This stage is characterized by symptoms such as persistent irritability, persistent anxiety, high blood pressure, heart palpitations, headaches, forgetfulness, and inability to concentrate.  Any two – just two – of these symptoms can indicate this first stage of stress overload which may lead to burnout if left unchecked.

The next stage of burnout is called the energy conservation stage.  This is when your body is starting to try to flee from the stress overload.  You know you are somewhere in this stage when signs like these begin to show up: procrastination, being late for work or turning work in late, cynical attitudes and resentfulness, decreased sexual desire, increased consumption of caffeine and/or alcohol, and just plain starting to feel like you don’t care.  Like the first stage, any two of these symptoms is an indicator that you are at a much greater risk of experiencing burnout.

Finally, there is the exhaustion stage.  You can’t fight any more.  You can’t flee any more.  You’re done.  You experience chronic sadness or depression.  You are always mentally and physically fatigued.  You have constant headaches.  You would just like to disappear, move away from everything, including family and friends, in hopes of finding relief.  It is at this stage when you are also likely to have recurring thoughts of suicide as a means of escape.  Just two of these symptoms may indicate that you have reached the point of burnout.

All that is the bad news.  What’s the good news?  That with proper attention and effort, you can turn around and start heading back in the other direction, no matter where you are today.  Did you hear that?  No matter where you are today.

If you are struggling and needs to get help understanding how to manage your stress levels, feel free to reach out to us at m.me/callforbackup.org/ and one of our peer support specialists will be glad to chat with you.  If you are having suicidal thoughts that won’t go away, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK (8255) or text the keyword BADGE to 741741 to reach a trained crisis counselor for free, confidential help available 24/7.

When Tension Becomes Toxic

Does this sound like a typical day for a police officer?  You’re working your 12-hour shift, and you need an energy boost because you didn’t get enough rest last night.  You’re training the rookie, so you have to show up on every call, and it seems like they’re coming faster than you’re able to keep up with.  Your spouse texts you in the middle of something important to tell you that the dishwasher has leaked all over the kitchen.  Meanwhile, your kids are texting you about every one of their little spats, even though you’ve tried to teach them to work out their own issues.  Your phone rings, and you recognize the number of a bill collector that you know is just going to have to wait because you’re still trying to pay for the deductible on the emergency room visit from 3 months ago.  You walk into the station hoping to get a little time to breathe, and the lieutenant says, “Hey, can I see you for a minute.”  Oh boy.

We are living in unprecedented times when it comes to dealing with stress and anxiety.  From the workplace, to the roadways, to our homes, we are being bombarded with little cortisol and adrenaline squirts throughout the day for little things that are penny-worth issues that we are spending $5 or $10 worth of energy on, damaging our blood vessels, damaging our hearts, and setting us up for disease.  Far from being immune from the effects of this kind of toxic tension, first responders and their families seem to be especially vulnerable to its negative effects.

The pace of life has accelerated, and this certainly contributes to the constant exposure our bodies have to stressful situations that put us at risk.  One of the most significant issues facing people today is the lack of time to recover from the stresses of the day.  It’s hard for us to imagine now, but in 1949 only 2% of American households had a television set.  Now technology has us connected to something nearly 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

The difference with stress in modern times is that there is no time set aside to recover from the stresses of the day.  Because we live faster-paced lives, we are being pushed to the limits every day.  And this accelerated pace of life leads to accelerated wear and tear on our bodies.  It makes us look and feel older sooner, it makes us sicker more often, and it is responsible for the epidemic of depression that is sweeping the country.

To be honest, it is not possible to be completely free of stress.  And the fact is that if your body failed to produce any adrenaline, you would die!  And if you don’t have enough adrenaline in your system, you become extremely fatigued.  But the key is that you have to shorten the amount of time that you spend dealing with stress.  Our bodies were designed to handle “emergency” stress . . . acute stress.  The effects of the slow, insidious, aggravating kinds of stress we deal with – ongoing conflicts with the boss or an annoying neighbor, issues with the children, and so on, are what is killing us.

We are trapped by tension, and we must learn ways to break away from the trap.  Here are some helpful tips for responding to the pressures we deal with:

  • First, we need to pay attention to our adrenaline levels. Since we don’t have access to sophisticated lab equipment to monitor our actual blood adrenaline levels, just how do we do this?  For one thing, adrenaline pushes blood away from your extremities to support your fight-or-flight response during times of stress, so if your hands and feet feel cold, your adrenaline level is probably too high.  Having someone who knows you well let you know when your mood changes, keeping an eye on our blood pressure, and paying attention to when you get those “tension” headaches are also helpful strategies.
  • Second, we need to recognize that not everything is an “emergency.” Sitting at a red light that won’t change quickly enough to suit us is not an emergency, it is an aggravation.  For emergencies the body needs adrenaline.  For aggravations, it needs patience and calmness.
  • Third, we must learn to relax. The relaxation response in your body is a powerful antidote to adrenaline.  Use relaxation exercises, listen to relaxation music, listen to meditation recordings – any of these things can help make the switch in your nervous system that is required to lower adrenaline levels and allow you to recover.
  • Finally, we have to get enough sleep. Research indicates that being sleep-deprived contributes to a number of different health problems, including diabetes, depression, and even suicide.

You may be stressed at this point trying to come up with ways to find recovery time.  You are probably saying to yourself right now, “I can’t possibly drop anything I’m doing to even make recovery time a part of my day; this seems hopeless.”  Let me be the first to tell you that this is not a hopeless situation.  Simply being aware of how your body reacts to stress is the first step, and if you can become aware of when your body is stressed and how you need to respond, you are well on your way to living with less stress.

If you are struggling and needs to get help understanding how to manage your stress levels, feel free to reach out to us at m.me/callforbackup.org/ and one of our peer support specialists will be glad to chat with you.  If you are having suicidal thoughts that won’t go away, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK (8255) or text the keyword BADGE to 741741 to reach a trained crisis counselor for free, confidential help available 24/7.

No one ever talks about the “freeze” response . . .

Nearly everyone has heard of the “fight or flight” response along with the array of physical responses that are activated whenever a threat is perceived: a quick release of adrenalin, the cardio-vascular system speeds up, blood goes from the extremities to the vital organs leaving hands and feet cooler and lowering skin temperature, brainwave patterns change, and senses become more acute in order to identify the threat with the objective of deciding whether to fight or flee.

There is one problem with this, however, that is often overlooked, which is that a person already in sensory overload who experiences a crisis event is less likely to be able to make that decision, causing another stress response that we will label “freeze.” Obviously, a person who is incapable of either fighting the threat or fleeing from it will fall victim to it.

In overload mode, we are experiencing too much stress which results in our becoming unproductive.  Some of the problems associated with overload include diminished memory and recall, often leading to lack of clarity, poor judgment, indecisiveness, and loss of perspective, that is, that our challenges are perceived as out of proportion to their actual magnitude.

It is important to understand that the brain keeps a very accurate record of everything we experience, and it has been designed in a way to filter the memories we have in order to – for lack of a better way of putting it at the present – keep us sane.  Stress short-circuits the brain’s program when it puts the body in “survival mode.”  The front part of the brain loses function, and the middle part of the brain, which is designed simply to help keep us alive, takes control.  This change, as evidenced by changes in brainwave patterns, results in cognitive issues such as confusion, uncertainty, poor attention, poor concentration, poor memory, and so on.  Additionally, people may become disoriented as to time, place, or person, have difficulty identifying objects or people, experience changes in their perception of their surroundings, and also experience changes in levels of alertness.

Quite simply put, a person trying to live from day to day in “overload” mode is not prepared for a critical incident in which the fight or flight response is triggered; consequently, that person will likely freeze instead.

If you are one of those struggling to manage the daily stresses of the job, get help now.  Your survival, or the survival of others, may depend on it.  Reach out to us by sending a message to m.me/callforbackup.org/ and one of our peer support specialists will be glad to chat with you.